ungraceful journey
As I sit here typing away on my trusty laptop, I can't help but reflect on the many joys and frustrations of being a woman in her 60s.
I've earned the right to say whatever the heck I want, whenever I want (which is pretty much all the time, let's be real).
First, let's talk about the positives of aging.
For starters, I no longer care about what other people think of me.
I wear my sweatpants with pride, and I'm not afraid to let my gray hair fly.
I've also learned to appreciate the little things in life, like a good cup of herbal tea and a cozy blanket.
But, as with any good comedy routine, there's always a punchline.
And in this case, it's forgetting why I walked into a room or when I’m standing in the grocery store staring blankly at my list, wondering why I put 3 jars of olives on it!
I used to need glasses to read, but now I need glasses to find my glasses.
But, in the end, I wouldn't trade these years for anything.
Sure, they may not be as golden as I imagined they would be, but they're mine, and I'm going to make the most of them.
So, to all you young whippersnappers out there, embrace the good and the bad.
It's all part of the ungraceful journey, and sometimes it's a hilarious one at that."
two secrets to aging with joy
As we age, it can be easy to get caught up in the societal pressures of staying young and looking good.
But what if we could shift our focus from these external expectations and instead embrace the joy and beauty of aging?
One way to do this is by simplifying your life.
This can mean decluttering your physical space, minimizing your to-do list, or cutting out unnecessary commitments.
By simplifying, we can reduce stress and create more room for the things that truly matter, like spending time with loved ones and pursuing our passions.
Another important aspect of aging with joy is learning to love ourselves as we are.
This means letting go of the obsession with looks and focusing on our inner qualities and strengths.
Remember, true beauty comes from within and is NOT defined by societal standards.
By embracing simplicity and self-love, we can truly enjoy the aging process and make the most of the time we have.
So, let go of the obsession with youth and looks, and start living a life filled with joy!
If i could turn back time
I often think about those movies where a person travels back in time and meets their younger self.
If I could go back in time, I would grab my five-year-old self and give her a big hug.
I would tell her that she is special and that what happened to her was not her fault.
I would make sure she feels safe and loved, and remind her of the importance of self-love and speaking kindly to herself.
It wasn't until I was in my 50s that I learned how to truly love myself, and it was only through coaching and the tools I learned from it.
While I did try therapy, it didn't work for me and left me feeling empty and alone.
Revisiting trauma is not necessary.
It's important to acknowledge that sexual trauma, especially during childhood, can lead to confusion and mixed messages, and it can be easy to internalize negative beliefs about oneself.
I also understand that growing up with a religious upbringing can add additional layers of complexity and may contribute to feelings of unworthiness.
However, it's important to remember that trauma does not define you!
It's okay to take the time and space you need to heal and process your experiences in a way that feels safe and comfortable for you.
It's okay to prioritize your own well-being and to set boundaries around what you are and are not willing to share or discuss.
It's important to remember that healing is a journey and that it looks different for everyone.
It's okay to take things at your own pace and to seek out the support and resources that feel right for you.
Unfortunately, I can't go back in time, but there is one thing I can do: help other women who have experienced childhood sexual abuse and struggle with self-worth today.
If you're one of these women and have worked with a therapist but still struggle with self-worth, I encourage you to schedule a free session with me.
I truly believe that I can help you.
normalizing looking older
Normalizing
Have you heard yourself or someone else say, “ Wow! She is looking old!”
Why is it that we seem surprised to the point of commenting that someone is “looking” older?
If we leave the ice cream sitting on the counter, do we say, “Wow! The ice cream is melting on the counter!”
When the sun rises each morning do we say, “Wow! The sun is coming up again today!”
It’s normal for ice cream to melt on the counter and for the sun to rise each morning.
It’s also normal for people to look different as they get older, but yet we act surprised.
Changes start to happen to our bodies from the moment we are born and they don’t stop until we die.
I can remember as a young mom watching my parents age with their gray hair, wrinkles and sagging faces. I was bothered by the process.
Why?
I know exactly why……
From a very young age I was groomed by the $$ billions of dollars $$ beauty industry.
Wrinkle creams, makeup, hair color, fad diets, teeth whitening, botox, plastic surgery……all money making tactics that as a society we continue to buy into.
They persistently hammer into us that it’s NOT ok to age.
It’s our job as adults to finally put an end to this!
When a little girl hears a comment about someone such as, “She is looking so old!” it changes her forever.
She hears, “Looking old is bad!” and her quest for forever youthfulness begins.
She no longer focuses on the amazing woman she is becoming, but instead spends her money and energy on becoming the woman our culture has designed for her.
What if we were in AWE and celebrated all of the changes that the body experiences in our life time?
Here are a few steps for normalizing age:
STOP making comments regarding how someone looks as they age.
Have honest conversations with your young girls about the changes the body experiences in ALL stages of life.
Expose the beauty industry to our youth by explaining to them their money making tactics and their sole purpose.
Openly celebrate your body and LOVE every single part, wrinkles, gray hair and all!
Ice cream is going to melt when left out of the freezer, the sun will rise in the morning and our bodies are going to change as we age.
It’s all NORMAL and it’s ok but it’s OUR job to spread the word in a world that is confused between BEAUTIFUL reality and blatant consumerism.
“I’m Unworthy of love”
I never imagined in a million years that I would be sharing my story, but here goes…..
I used to think that I was unworthy of love. It all started when I was 5 years old. I was sexually molested by a member of my extended family -someone I saw frequently and had no escape from - someone who was supposed to love and protect me. His actions changed me forever and left me feeling broken, dirty and confused.
I had thoughts like “How could God love me?” “How could anyone love me?” “I don’t deserve to be loved.”
What started out as thoughts became hardcore BELIEFS.
Through the many years there were many days that I didn’t want to get out of bed in the morning. I would force myself to put on a smile and face the day. I would act like I was ok. (You know the ol “fake it til you make it!”) If you knew me then you would think I had it ALL together - I could have won an Oscar for my performance!
But I wasn’t fooling myself. When I looked in the mirror, I saw a little girl and I saw the sadness in her eyes. I knew and felt her pain.
On top of that - I felt guilty for feeling my feelings…..I CONSTANTLY reminded myself of my many blessings. “I have a loving, supportive husband, amazing children, beautiful grandchildren, good health, family, friends” and on and on……
But I couldn’t shake the thoughts of feeling unworthy…..
Over the many years I hired different therapists. Our sessions didn’t help and afterwards I felt empty and hopeless.
After a year taking an anti-depressant, I felt a very strong feeling that I needed to stop. I didn’t know it at the time but the medication was acting as a band-aid and I needed something more.
Fast forward to my mid 50’s…..
I hired a Life Coach.
What she taught me - changed me!
She helped me look at the thoughts that were causing my current feelings. She taught me how to be aware and curious. She taught me how to trust myself and love myself unconditionally. She taught me how to rewrite my story. She showed me that I held the power within ME to end the suffering. The power was ALWAYS there - I just didn’t know it!
I now know that I am and was ALWAYS worthy of love. What happened to me was horrible but I had let it define me as broken, dirty and unworthy.
Sadly I’m not alone. In the United States 1 in 5 girls and 1 in 20 boys are victims of child sexual abuse.
I heard someone say once, “Every thing that happens in our lives can be turned into a gift - IF we choose to.”
My gift to others is to share the tools that I was taught. I want all of these beautiful humans to know that regardless of what happened to them - they are 100% worthy of love.
And that is why I decided to become a Coach. I know that I can help others because I experienced the transformation first hand.
I love what I do - I love watching others transform as I did! I love seeing their faces light up with joy as they start to question the lies that they had believed for so long!
If you experienced child abuse in any form - know that you are not alone and the TRUTH is…..
You are NOT broken.
You are NOT dirty.
AND….
You ARE 100% WORTHY of LOVE! With a little work and a little time - you can and will believe this truth!
Are you truly alone?
I had the opportunity to coach a sweet lady last week who lost her husband a year ago to cancer. She is struggling with depression and has little to no desire to get out of bed in the morning. When she does get up out of her bed, she sits at home and watches the news or reruns of the shows she used to watch with her husband.
She looked sad and heartbroken.
She said to me…. “I’m all alone now.”
I asked her a simple question, “Is that true? Are you truly alone?”
“How is it NOT true that you are all alone now?”
As she answered the question - I could see her face soften and her eyes start to twinkle as she became emotional with gratitude.
TRUTH IS - she’s not all alone. She told me about her friends, her beautiful family and her amazing church community. Her grieving brain and her attempt to make sense out of her new life without her husband created a thought that was NOT serving her. In fact it was destroying her….
When she thought “I’m all alone now.” - she believed it. This new belief caused her to isolate herself from the support that was available to her.
I will continue to coach her on creating new thoughts that will become her new beliefs.
Thoughts like:
“I love and miss my husband and that’s OK- but I’m NOT all alone without him.”
“I have so MANY people in my life that love me and are here to help me.”
“I have much to offer the world and the world has much joy to offer me.”
Be ever so curious about your thoughts. Sometimes we grab onto certain ones and we accept them as facts but the fact is they are NOT truth.
Next time this happens to you ask yourself….
“How is this NOT true?”
YOU WILL BE AMAZED AT WHAT YOUR BRAIN DISCOVERS!
Rewriting my past
The past is gone except for in our thoughts. I appreciate my past memories and the lessons I’ve learned. I find it fascinating when I talk to someone about an incident from the past and they have a totally different story about it! Even though we were both physically there, we don’t tell the same story!
The story you tell about your past is also the story about you. Our stories define us, for example - I’ll tell you a story about me…….
Due to the nature of my dads occupation we moved a lot when I was a little girl. We moved when I was in the third, fourth, fifth, and ninth grade. I was always the shy new girl trying to fit in. I wasn’t like the other girls in school with life long friends. Moving was hard and each time we did, I had to find where to fit in. I hated walking into a classroom full of strangers staring at me. I adjusted because I had to but growing up was not easy.
(My identity from my story) I never feel settled and I’m very hesitant to make new friends.
I decided that this story was not serving me. I decided to rewrite it…..
When I was a little girl, my dad who had an entrepreneurial spirit, worked hard to provide a very good life for our family of seven. We had everything we needed and more. Because of the nature of his job - we would move to where the work was. Each move was an adventure and with each move there were challenges and advantages. Learning to make new friends at each school taught me how to be brave. I learned at an early age how to be uncomfortable and how to do hard things. I learned the value of family and the joys of having sisters and brothers that were always there for me and still are. I learned how to adapt to any situation. This allowed me to easily and eagerly move several times with my husband and our children. My experiences as a young girl allowed me to experience many adventures without trepidation.
(My new identity from my new story.) I can do hard things and easily adapt to any situation.
Do you see the difference? The facts didn’t change but my perspective shifted. I saw the goodness in my story and decided to put my focus there. Doing this practice allowed me to shift my identity from a negative to a positive!
I also rewrote a past trauma. I spared you THAT story (you’re welcome) but I can tell you that rewriting it changed my life!
Do you have a story you want to rewrite? Give it a try!
the fears are real
Recently I read an article that said that most people become less fearful as they get older. I found that hard to believe due to my experience with my own circle of older family and friends.
I decided to do an experiment. I’m a member of a Facebook group made up of mature women.
I posted a question to the group:
“When it comes to aging, what is your greatest fear?”
In less than five minutes I had a flood of responses. Once it reached 175 - the admin deleted my post - gave me a warning and suspended me from the group for two days. (After re-reading the rules - I’m still unsure as to why.)
I quickly wrote as many of the responses down as I could.
While I was fascinated and curious, I was also saddened that so many of my sisters are burdened with fear.
In this post I will list their fears. in honor of their honesty and vulnerability.
dementia
losing independence
not accomplishing all I was meant to do
memory loss
death
pain
missing out on my families future
fatal disease
losing my spouse
poor health
dying alone
being marginalized
losing my mind
lack of stamina
being a burden
turning into my mother
never getting to live alone
loose skin
my children not helping me
being forgotten
Parkinson disease
wrinkled hands
no more sex
poverty
not being well enough to care for my mother
Maybe you can you relate to this list or maybe you have one not listed. I think we all can to some degree.
It all boils down to the unknown…….
We have lived our whole life without ever knowing what the future holds.
We might think that these fears are valid and necessary but they are not.
When we fear, we lose sight of what we have in front of us - right now.
Someone wise once said:
“Fear does not stop death, it stops life”
motivation is overrated
I hear a lot from clients (especially while working on their health) “I don’t feel motivated!” “How do I get motivated?” They don’t do the thing that they want or need to do because they don’t FEEL motivated.
Why do we think that we need to feel that emotion in order to take action?
What if motivation isn’t necessary? What if you go ahead and do the thing even if you don’t feel like it? I NEVER feel motivated to work out in the morning. I hate it! I walk downstairs to our little homemade gym like I’m walking to my impending doom. Sometimes while I’m working out - I get a burst of motivation and sometimes I move through the whole workout with shear determination to get through it! (AND THAT”S OK) I used to do thought work trying to create a love for my exercise routine. I decided I wouldn’t waste my brain energy on creating a positive emotion I can do without.
I don’t wait on motivation.
I’ve decided to work more on determination. I can create determination with the thoughts that I think.
“I will workout so that I can get stronger.”
“I will drink all of my daily water so that my skin will be hydrated.”
“I will eat healthy so that I can fit into my clothes.”
These thoughts create a determination in me that feels different than motivation but I get the job done.
Don’t wait around for motivation - it’s overrated and unnecessary - Just do the thing!
The most productive season
It all begins with an idea.
Did you know that we now have the healthiest best educated generation to ever reach mid-life? 100 short years ago they were lucky to reach their mid-thirties. A simple tooth ache would take them out. Your second half of life is where you can make your most meaningful contributions.
Your years of experience in the University of Hard Knocks are invaluable. Don't sell yourself short if you're in or past mid-life.
You KNOW things that the youngins don't know.
You have SEEN things that the youngins haven't seen.
You have EXPERIENCED things that they have not yet experienced.
In the first part of your life you honed in on your skills.
You gained wisdom.
You made bad decisions and you learned from them.
You built a large network of friends.
And now you are primed and ready!
You are NOT washed up or invisible.
You are NOT supposed to hide behind the younger generation.
YOU ARE IN WHAT COULD VERY WELL BE - THE MOST PRODUCTIVE SEASON OF YOUR LIFE!
The difference between life coaching and therapy
It all begins with an idea.
I have had several people ask me what the difference is between Life Coaching and therapy. I like to use analogies when explaining the difference.
When you are injured you go to a Physical Therapist and they will help you recover from your injury. If you want to train you hire a Coach.
A Life Coach is someone who can help you improve your life, feel better and achieve your goals. I have personally experienced both therapy and coaching. They each played a very important role for my mental health. Twenty years ago I coupled therapy with medication to help me process and recover from a trauma that I suffered as a very young girl. I’m thankful for that therapy!
Fast forward….and Life Coaching has helped me more than I could have imagined! I’ve had a personal coach for two years. Through coaching I have learned how to listen to my body and acknowledge my emotions. I can see the strength within me that helps me to process negative emotions instead of buffering so that I won’t have to feel them. I have dropped all of my tendencies to criticize myself. I have learned how to love myself unconditionally. I am in charge of my brain now! I am curious and more loving towards others instead of jumping to conclusions.
I lived most of my life thinking “life happens” as if I had zero control. Now I understand fully that life is happening for me and not to me!
unlovable? Never!
Do you know any difficult people? Maybe they are angry most of the time? negative? mean? We all know difficult people. Have you had the thought that they are just not very lovable? I had a family member like that. He’s no longer living but when he was - he was grouchy and mean. I thought: “He’s not lovable!” I had no idea at the time that I was 100% WRONG! He was 100% lovable just as he was!
Loving him was not about him. It was ALL about me. It had NOTHING to do with him and EVERYTHING to do with my capacity to love him. It was a reflection of me - not him. His lovability was absolute. Other people in his life loved him. Why didn’t I? They had an ability that I didn’t have at the time. They had the ability to love.
The same is true about each of us. If someone doesn’t love you - it’s not about you!! It has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with you and EVERYTHING to do with the other person. Let that sink in….It is all about their ability and their capacity to love. You don’t need to change ONE thing about you!
ISN’T THAT WONDERFUL NEWS??
You can relax and know that you are as lovable as you will ever be - just as you are!
journey to gray
Years ago I got the idea or belief that gray hair is not ok. In fact, as soon as I saw one I hated it - I cursed it - and then plucked it! When they started to happen in bunches I hid them with dye. I’m 60 now and have decided to let my gray hair make it’s much delayed debut. I’m not gonna lie - I have some mixed feelings about the process.
This past weekend I had a lady I didn’t know approach me and tell me that she really liked my hair, I smiled and said, “Thank you.” She then said, “You can pull off the gray but on some women it looks awful!” I didn’t know what to say to her comment.
Why did she feel like she needed to let me know that I could pull the gray off? Why did she think that certain women can’t pull off their natural hair color? Will I look old? What is wrong with looking old? Does old = bad? Am I ready to see my 100% natural self? Why is coloring hair perceived more youthful?
Does this happen to men? Why is it that men with gray hair are labeled wiser and women old? Why is so much value placed on hair?
It’s estimated that in the 1950’s only 7% of women colored their hair but today it’s more like 95%. Will I be the only women in a crowded room with gray hair? Should I care?
Going through this process has helped me to question the beliefs that I have carried with me for most of my life. I welcome all of the thoughts and the questions! I don’t have all of the answers but I’m looking forward to finding them on my gray journey!